Fear and Excitement

Isn’t it strange how we label feelings? I’m thinking about fear and excitement. They can be incredibly similar, even interchangeable.

I remember going to an amusement park and getting in line to ride the roller coaster, watching the cars twist, turn and swoop down the rails. The riders screamed and grimaced, holding tight for dear life. There I stood, waiting to buy my ticket to ride. Since I was going to pay for the experience of being scared out of my skin I called what I was feeling excitement. Every second that I stood in line was another moment that I could change my mind, turn and walk away. There was a certain joy to the excruciating anticipation. Palms already sweaty and heart rate increasing without even being strapped into the seat, I waited impatiently to get to the front of the line.

I think I may have figured out the difference between the two, fear and excitement. When I am in control, or at least think I’m in control, the feeling is excitement. Fear sets in when the choices are no longer in my hands. Standing in line for the roller coaster I am in control. I can watch from the sidelines or be an active participant. I can step out of line whenever I choose. The choice is mine right up to the final moment when I’m belted in and the attendant lowers the metal bar. Even then I call what I feel excitement because I know that the ride will run its course and come to its inevitable end. For a few short moments there is nothing to do about it except hold onto the bar, close my eyes and scream out all the joy and fear of the incredible rush of the ride.

My feelings about my upcoming trip are similar to my feelings about the roller coaster, but there is a subtle difference. I don’t know the track ahead of time and I’m not quite sure how this ride will work.

Now this is where my obsessive nature kicks in. I start to plan. I have hit the bookstores and the internet. I am now the proud owner of the following books: a guide to New Mexico, two guides to Santa Fe, Taos, and Albuquerque, a guide to the Four Corners Region, a guide to Santa Fe, a guide to the hot springs of New Mexico, a guide to the gem trails of New Mexico, a guide to “O’Keeffe Country”, and about three different guides to rock art, ruins, and odd sites throughout the Southwest.

I’ve been making notes and surfing the internet. I have a collaged notebook of information. This is my book of hours, my vade mecum. Every time I stumble on to another interesting site or subject I poke it into my book. The spine is broken and scraps of paper are sticking out in all directions.

In addition to this I have downloaded my notes from the computer onto a 2 gig flash drive so I can carry it all around with me like some modern day amulet, a cyber rosary. I suspend it around my neck and fondle it through out the day, reassuring myself that all my research, all my work is safely here with me. It serves as a reminder that all of this is real. I really am a Fund for Teachers’ fellow. I really am going on a journey this summer. Soon enough I will be on the road.